Okay… let’s take a look at the primary talley so far:

Huckabee came out first with Chuck Norris.  Then McCain collected Sylvester Stallone (recently facing charges of steriod use for his recent Rambo 734… he could be a formidable ally).  Yesterday Hulk Hogan decided to endorse Obama (Uh… Hulk… please don’t help us).  And today McCain is expected to tick off another one in the stud column when he gets the nod from Arnold Schwartzenegger.  I know what you’re all thinking.  You’re waiting for Steven Seagall to weigh in before you make your decision.  Now, for anyone who remotely understands the delegate system (which is about 27 people on the planet… and most of them are probably from another country), these endorsements don’t actually contribute to the candidate’s nomination (except Arnold… as Governator, he just might be a delegate too… a SUPER delegatOR!).  So the only purpose they really serve is to contribute to the neverending push for pop culture to triumph in elections (as opposed to, I dunno, issues, character, vision… that totally unmarketable crap).  I mean, I have yet to see any celebrity death matches scheduled between the aforementioned muscle men.  And until I do… I continue to roll my eyes in their general direction.

And, still on the Men of Politics calendar issue… where are the new school ass-kickers in all of this?  Who is Vin Diesel supporting?  What about Jason Statham?  The Rock?  Welsey Snipes?  Once we have the muscles of today and the muscles of yesteryear… then I think we would have the universal representation to really make some presidential decisions here, bitches! 

Apparently the GOP decided in last night’s debate to show the world that the Dems aren’t the only ones who can use the eminent "talk to the hand" debate technique.  Sadly, no one will watch the Democratic debate tonight to see if they live up to the challenge… because we’ll all be watching LOST.

Apparently, last night, they actually asked the question "Why would Ronald Reagan endorse you?"  I sure hope they all made sure to rub Ron’s belly at the shrine before they went on!  Whew! 

In celebrity current events:

And, from this picture, it seems that, upon announcing the news of her pregnancy, she immediately gave birth to a 2-year-old.

And, of course, the most important current event… we have improv shows this Friday and Saturday at 10:30 following performances of The Seagull.  Be there or be Brittney! 

You heard me! 

Last night we started the first in our series of eight workshops for improvisation.  We packed the rehearsal room with 20 brave souls who came to learn, participate, and just in general have fun with The Distracted Globe. 

These are not only educational for all our funny participants, but I found it to be a learning experience as well.  I learned that you can always use "I need you to…" to get a scene going and to push it forward as well as some new tips on making offers, some of the beginning of Improv from Johnstone, had a good review of CROWW (Character. Relationship. Objective. Where. When), but I mostly learned from the group.

Indeed, I learned last night the best pick up line in a retirement home "Nice Quilt", and about a great new organic cereal called "Granola Bears", and that all ladies carry poster board in their make up kit.  However, being a car buff, the secret release of the new concept cars that are environmentally friendly was the biggest learning experience.  I cannot wait to see the "Tree" by Dodge, the "Vampire"- optional convertible by Chevy, and of course my favorite GMC’s new "Cranberry Apple".

Thanks to everyone who came to the first workshop- remember we skip next week for that big sports thingy that is happening!!!  check back to see if your creations make the blog!

This morning as I was working out, I was watching (without the sound) a segment on CNN about the fact that the candidates tend to call each other by their first names as opposed to titles.  The clips lasted for much longer than I would have expected, flashing back and forth through the debates as candidates cordially (and not so cordially - Cool it Hillary and Barack!) called each other by first name.  It must be a pretty big news day, eh?  Of course, at the end of this segment, they went on to explore our good friend Mitt Romney.  You see… apparently he was not named after equipment used in America’s favorite pasttime.  Has he {gasp} been lying to the American people?  Apparently, Romney’s given name is Willard Milton.  Now, as amazingly newsworthy as this is, it got even more so as they played at least a minute worth of clips from the blockbuster smash: Willard.  Everyone remember that movie?  No?  That’s because NO ONE WENT TO SEE IT.  But we sure saw more than enough of it this morning.  Rats pouring out of everywhere.  Apparently CNN feels that it’s appropriate and responsible reporting to associate a presidential candidate with a movie about a bunch of rats… simply because they share a first name.  While I’m certainly not a Romney supporter… this does seem to lower the level of discourse, eh?  I mean, as if his last name weren’t giving him enough trouble, Barack Obama’s middle name is Hussein, isn’t it?  I’m sure they could have all kinds of fun finding b-roll footage for that.  Heck… we really should just let those clever third-graders who used to call me "Miniature Golf" (cuz my last name is Goff… and I was short… get it?) take over for the political pundits.  I’m rubber, you’re glue!

Me… I voted yesterday as an absentee-in-person since I’ll be out of town this weekend for the oh-so-exciting South Carolina Democratic primary.  And as much as I considered writing in Stephen Colbert (oh Stephen!  Where are you!?!), I ended up voting for someone who was actually on the ballot.  So I’ve done my civic duty.  And now I want them all to shut the hell up!  At least they’ll forget where South Carolina is after tomorrow, so things will quiet down a bit.  And speaking of quiet… it actually occurred to me yesterday that, in The Distracted Globe’s ongoing push for election reform, I think that we should require the candidates to campaign in mime.  Don’t panic, we would still give them specific times when they were actually allowed to speak in circles around the issues, but other than those appointed times, they would be seen, not heard.  I think you learn a lot about a person from non-verbal communication.  They love waving and handshakes anyway, don’t they?  And you can just imagine some of the hand signals that would be flying between Obama and the Clintons right now!

And while Clintons and Obamas get down and dirty with each other, the GOP prefer to let muscley famous people do their fighting for them. 

{sigh}

Okay… I have a cat. And I love my cat. She’s like my furry, passive aggressive child. She’s cute and neurotic and evil all rolled up into one (kinda like me). So I understand people who love their pets. But here’s the thing… thanks to the wonderful world of the internet… we can see all the people who take this just a little too far.

I fully expected that guy to climb into the bed at the end of the video.

This woman is clearly transferring or projecting or emotional surrogating or something. Whatever the clinical term may be… she’s frickin’ nuts.

And hey… make sure to go see the Studio 444 shows this weekend - Love is a Battlefield - 4 short plays, 5 small dollars, 2 short nights (the 25th & 26th at 8:00) followed by improv by Laughing Stock. It’s a good time.

I didn’t watch the Democrats yell at each other last night.  I know I should have, but I don’t have television.  So I watched more episodes of LOST instead.  Because LOST is way awesome. 

I really should have been watching The Departed… which I have had for the last month and just haven’t gotten around to watching.  My Netflix cue has been in a bottleneck!

At any rate, I heard that the debate was great fun.  All kinds of pissy blah blah blah back and forth.  I did watch the highlights while I was working out this morning… but I watched them without the sound.  That was incredibly amusing.  Barack and Hillary both seemed to have that "I’m politely yet forcefully putting my hand up in your face because I need to telegraph that I have a brilliant comeback to your endless rantings" gesture down.  It looked pretty ugly.  And of course, that makes for good, entertaining television.  However, is it at all problematic that they’re getting that pissy with people in their own party?  I mean, theoretically, shouldn’t the primaries be a time of candid discussion, and then we can get really dirty and mean and breaking each other’s knee caps once we’re debating people who actually disagree with us?  Just a thought.

And then, of course, to top off the days of drama, we had the Oscar nominations announced this morning.  This is always the day when I realize just how uncultured I am.  Of all of the brilliant, exciting, highly-acclaimed movies that were released in 2007… I have seen three that were deemed worthy of being considered for this high honor.  And those three are: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, The Bourne Ultimatum and Transformers.  I am truly ashamed.  So, I decided today that I would go ahead and return my still unwatched Oscar movie of yester year (sorry Scorcese… we’ll talk later) in favor of preparing myself for this year’s Oscar celebration.  It’s just over a month away… so I have precious little time to overcome my pop culture idiocy.  Next up: Eastern Promises.

Hey… why not let the Distracted folks here know who you’re picking for the big awards.  Maybe - if I get my act together - I’ll even put together a contest.  In fact… that sounds like a good idea.  The Distracted Globe will, some time in the next week, post an Oscar contest… and perhaps a superbowl commercial contest, if I’m feeling cheeky.  That’s right… cheeky.

Ah yeah. 

When I was home for Christmas, I saw over and over and over the commercials declaring that, as of the new year, Court TV would be known as Tru TV… and it would be all about disasters and horrible horrible things that were caught on tape that we all kinda wish hadn’t been.  Isn’t that great? 

Well, I sat up until midnight last night watching "The Last Days of Earth" on The History Channel.  Seven ways the earth could be destroyed.  Cheery.  Really, it was pretty amusing in its alarmist-ness.  And I’m not sure why they decided to pick on Rapids, SD so much during the Supervolcano portion… but as far as I can tell, sucks to be them!  Anyway… guess what was on right after "Seven Ways You Might Die Tomorrow?"  You guessed it.  "The Lost Book of Nostradamus."  Talking all about his doomsday prophesies and blah blah blah.  And what were they advertising the whole time those were on?  "Life After People."

COME ON! 

I spent two hours learning about supervolcanos (apparently, Yellowstone is "overdue" for an eruption) and machines taking control and deciding to exterminate us (thank you, Terminator) and gigantic meteors  (whatever, we’ve still got Bruce Willis) and pandemics (Dustin Hoffman and Rene Russo to the rescue) and nuclear war (Dr. Strangelove, I presume) and, of course, the "liberal scare tactic" of global warming (insert Al Gore cameo here).  And it occurred to me, between this program and the surrounding advertisements… I’m not sure that this stuff really counts as history, you know?  Nostradamus does I guess… but most of what they’re airing on "The History Channel" seems to be about hypothetical (and pretty unpleasant) future events. 

So I would like to propose that we rename The History Channel to be The Apocalypse Channel.   

By the way… we have about 2 spots left in our workshops.  So if you’re interested… let us know! 

So tonight, our stalwart sound snogger (Rick) and I went to see Cloverfield.  And may I just take a moment to say "Holy Crap."  The effects were great.  The camera makes you sea-sick.  And though I have heard people criticize that there wasn’t enough character development and whatnot, I would argue that wasn’t really the point.  It was a snapshot of an event… a kickass big monster stuff blowing up and falling down event.  Pretty cool.  And I have to take a moment to salute the guy who plays the guy who carries the camera (the whole movie is done as if it was filmed on a handycam).  He’s certainly a presence, and I’ve decided to go ahead and have a crush on him, but he gets almost no camera time at all.  Gigantic blockbuster… no face time.  Hard core, eh?  So, T.J. Miller, even though I’m not positive what you look like, I salute you!

Interestingly enough (to me… probably not to anyone else), I am going to be going to New York on Saturday.  So, I’m thinking maybe I should borrow my office’s mini dv camera just in case there happens to be a some gigantic thing that lays seige to the city and I have to stand around recording it instead of running like hell.  Of course, to be fair, I should probably bring it when I go to Louisville this week and Chicago the following week.  Sure, they’re not on the seaboard, so it would be less likely for something to come by water.  But something could come from outerspace to take out the Louisville Slugger Museum.  You don’t know.

Anyway, go take a dramamine and go watch Cloverfield.  And then, if you’re ever stuck in a big crazy disaster… do neither as they say nor as they do… cuz dude… seriously. 

UPDATE: I am now watching "Last Days on Earth" on The History Channel.  It is described as "Examining seven ways in which the Earth could be destroyed."  There’s nothing quite like a little optimism before bed.

Who knows why it took me so long to do this, but I was just thinking about Hay Fever the other day, in particular, the fact that each of our characters had a little theme music when we entered. (Sorry Simon and Sorrel… you didn’t get to enter, so you didn’t get to have music.) But my point is, I love the idea of theme music. I think that we should all have theme music whenever we enter a room or are introduced for the first time or whatever. What would your theme song be? Mine would probably be “Proofreading Woman” by Dave Barry (yes, that Dave Barry) or “Okay, Alright” by The Clumsy Lovers. What about you?

That’s right!  This weekend, the country will remember where South Carolina is… then after the 26th… they’ll forget again for another 4 years.  But this weekend is the Republican primary down here in Dixie.  I know… it’s sort of a redundant thing to say.  "South Carolina Republicans."  And yeah… I know next weekend’s non-sequitur "South Carolina Democratic Primary" is probably going to turn out about 15 people.  But here’s my little Public Service Announcement for the day - I don’t care what party you are… just go vote!

And in helping you prepare, I thought I’d post a link to yet another "which candidate is right for you" quiz.  Apparently, a lot of people I know were surprised to end up with Ron Paul - even after they took the quiz again with different answers.  So we’re wondering whether this has some Libertarian strings on the back end.  After all, Ron Paul is pretty big on the internet.  (Have you heard?)  The test came out as expected for me, so I’m feeling like I’m immune to the Ron Paul web mojo… but maybe that’s what he wants me to believe.  Hmmm.

Maybe all this talk about Romney and McCain and Suckabee (oops… did I make a typo?) is just a smoke screen to cover Ron Paul’s online quiz power grab.  His people will hack into the electronic voting system, he’ll win in an amazing underdog landslide victory (made all the more amazing because he won’t actually be on the ballot), he’ll change the United States of America to the United States of Texas and he’ll lock the IRS (and possibly some of his former opposition candidates) in a series of shipping crates and drop them into the Mariana Trench.

It could happen.

Of course, we could also just say "to hell with all of you" and stage a nationwide write-in campaign to elect the Colbert/Winfrey ticket, and peace, joy, truthiness and free cars for everyone will abound! 

Well, gentle blog readers, if you’re reading this, you are one of the brave souls who has managed to survive this epic storm here in Greenville, SC.  Or, you might be somewhere else.  But if you are somewhere else, you should know that there are, in fact, some survivers of the winter storm of 2008.  Huddling together with our bread and milk (the bread and milk we had to throw elbows at old ladies to get last night at Bi-Lo), we braved the nearly 63.5 mm (yes, that is roughly 2 and a half full inches) of snow and now we are here, blogging from what still exists of downtown Greenville, to tell the world that YES!  There are survivors!  Send in the rescue trucks and hot toddies!  We’re not sure how much longer we can hang on!

But seriously folks, as someone who was born in Anchorage and grew up in Denver… I am constantly amazed by The South’s reaction to snow.  The world immediately shuts down.  Schools close for 2.5 inches?  Are you kidding?  We definitely had days in Denver where we went to school in 18 inches of snow.  Big deal!  We were hearty, Western stock.  So I do enjoy watching the city slide into a chilly white panic when the annual snow snow dusts us for a night or two.  I will admit that the second day, when things ice over, that can get bad.  But this slushy snowy day is actually pretty nice.  Fewer people on the roads, everything is quiet and nothing is actually dangerous.

Except, of course, for the people stocking up on bread and milk. 

So here’s wishing all of you Greenvillians a happy snow storm!  Don’t worry.  I have a strange feeling that we’ve got a ways to go on the apocalypse.  Though, I do worry that Huckabee winning Iowa might be one of the harbingers.